It all started because Jiang Cheng was trying to send a picture of his lunch to Jin Ling.
That was it. That was the crime. That was the domino that would topple a very precarious line of sect-leader dignity.
Unfortunately for Jiang Cheng, he had been fiddling with his phone while half-paying attention to a cultivation conference meeting. The phone was on silent, his temper was already simmering, and the combination of his distracted thumb and the WeChat “create group” button proved fatal.
He hit the wrong thing.
Then another wrong thing.
Then…
Group Chat Created: “Sect Leader Assembly”
Participants: Jiang Cheng, Lan Xichen, Nie Huaisang, Jin Guangyao, Wen Ning (?), Sect Leader Yao, and somehow Wei Wuxian.
“Wait—” Jiang Cheng froze. His blood ran cold. “Oh no.”
Before he could leave the group, a notification popped up.
Lan Xichen: 🌸🌸🌸
Jiang Cheng blinked. “What—why—”
Then another message.
Nie Huaisang: Hahahaha omg you actually made a group?? This is amazing 🤭
“No, no, no—” Jiang Cheng muttered, stabbing at the “Leave Chat” option.
You cannot leave. You are the group owner.
“What do you mean I can’t—?!”
Before he could hurl the phone across the table, a new text came in.
Jin Guangyao: Dear Brother Jiang, what a thoughtful idea to make a direct communication line between all sect leaders. This will be so useful for… coordination. 😊
The smiley face was not comforting. It was the kind of smiley face that made you wonder if your tea had been poisoned.
Nie Huaisang: Ohhhh yesss, coordination 😏 sends a meme of a cat wearing a saber strapped to its back
Lan Xichen: 🌸
Nie Huaisang: LXC are you… sending flowers?
Lan Xichen: Yes. I thought it would… lighten the atmosphere.
Jiang Cheng: “We don’t need the atmosphere lightened, we need everyone to get out of this chat!”
Unfortunately, he typed that out loud into the chat by accident:
Jiang Cheng: We don’t need the atmosphere lightened, we need everyone to get out of this chat!
Wei Wuxian: LOL WAIT IS THIS A GROUP CHAT?? ADD ME ADD ME
Nie Huaisang: …how did you even—oh my god he’s here.
Wei Wuxian: posts a poorly photoshopped image of Lan Wangji in cat ears, holding a boba tea
Lan Xichen: …
Jin Guangyao: …
Nie Huaisang: omg send more
Wei Wuxian: Don’t worry I have a whole folder
[Three images sent: Lan Wangji in a maid outfit; Lan Wangji holding twelve kittens; Lan Wangji Photoshopped onto the cover of “Fifty Shades of Gusu”]
“OH FOR—” Jiang Cheng slammed his phone down, but the notifications kept buzzing.
Lan Xichen: …Perhaps we should set some… guidelines.
Nie Huaisang: Nahhh this is perfect, rules ruin the fun.
Wei Wuxian: Rules are meant to be broken! 😈
Jin Guangyao: Speaking of rules, may I remind everyone that certain… images… could be seen as disrespectful to the dignity of the Hanguang-jun. 🙂
Wei Wuxian: Oh, so you do think they’re hot? 😉
Jin Guangyao: I said nothing of the sort.
Nie Huaisang: Screenshotted.
Wei Wuxian: Same.
Jiang Cheng felt like screaming into a pillow. This was already a nightmare, and they hadn’t even been in the chat for five minutes.
And then—because the Heavens had clearly decided to punish him—another name popped up in the group.
Lan Qiren has joined the chat
“Oh no no no no no—”
Lan Qiren: [Message: 12 paragraphs in extremely formal Classical Chinese]
The group went silent. Not out of respect—out of confusion.
Nie Huaisang: ???
Wei Wuxian: Translation please??
Lan Xichen: Uncle is simply… sharing his views on group decorum.
Wei Wuxian: Why does it read like a Confucian midterm essay??
Nie Huaisang: TL;DR??
Wei Wuxian: posts sticker of a rabbit holding a “what??” sign
Jin Guangyao: sends polite bow emoji
Nie Huaisang: sends cursed Shiba Inu meme with bad captions
Wei Wuxian: sends a sticker of a dancing chicken wearing sunglasses
Lan Qiren: [another 8 paragraphs in Classical Chinese]
Wei Wuxian: Ok, this is getting fun. Every time he sends one of those, I’m sending a sticker.
Nie Huaisang: Agreed.
Lan Xichen: …This is not the respectful atmosphere I hoped for.
Jiang Cheng: THIS ISN’T SUPPOSED TO EXIST AT ALL!
Wei Wuxian: Too late, sect bro, this is our life now.
Half an hour later
Jiang Cheng tried—really tried—to mute the chat and focus on paperwork. But the buzzing kept dragging him back.
Nie Huaisang: [image of a pigeon photoshopped into Lan Qiren’s hat] Caption: “Uncle Birdren”
Wei Wuxian: BAHAHAHAHAHA
Lan Qiren: [5 paragraphs in Classical Chinese]
Wei Wuxian: [gif of a dancing turnip]
Jin Guangyao: Speaking of which, does anyone recall the minor land dispute between the Nie and Jin sects? I think we should resolve it soon.
The word “resolve” radiated the same energy as “eliminate.”
Nie Huaisang: Yao-ge, every time you send something it feels like a threat.
Jin Guangyao: I assure you, it’s simply diplomacy. 🙂
Wei Wuxian: Yeah, “diplomacy” in the same way Jiang Cheng “calmly discusses” things.
Jiang Cheng: WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!
Nie Huaisang: Caps lock bro, calm down.
Lan Xichen: 🌸
10 minutes later
Sect Leader Yao: Who made this group?
Jiang Cheng: Not important.
Wei Wuxian: points him 👉
Nie Huaisang: Yep, totally him.
Sect Leader Yao: Remove me.
Jiang Cheng: I CAN’T.
Sect Leader Yao: Then I will remain silent.
Two minutes later:
Sect Leader Yao: [sends political rant about tax reform in cultivation society]
Wei Wuxian: Delete this.
Nie Huaisang: Bro thinks he’s in the Senate.
Lan Xichen: I believe some of his points are worth discussing—
Wei Wuxian: oh my god not you too
Evening
Jiang Cheng was done. He was going to find a way to nuke the chat. But as he scrolled back, he realized Wei Wuxian and Nie Huaisang had transformed it into a cursed meme archive.
There were:
Sixteen catboy edits of Lan Wangji.
A meme of Jin Guangyao as a hamster holding a knife.
Nie Huaisang’s doodle of Jiang Cheng with steam coming out of his ears.
Screenshots of Lan Qiren’s Classical Chinese messages annotated with “???”, “help”, and “bro what does this mean”.
Jin Guangyao had, disturbingly, contributed:
A perfectly formatted spreadsheet titled “Potential Group Etiquette Improvements.”
Which was actually just a hit list disguised as meeting notes.
And Lan Xichen had… just kept sending flowers.
Nie Huaisang: This group is beautiful.
Wei Wuxian: We should make merch.
Jiang Cheng: NO.
Wei Wuxian: Yes.
Nie Huaisang: Yes.
Jin Guangyao: I could arrange production. 🙂
Jiang Cheng: NO.
By midnight, Jiang Cheng was staring at his phone, bleary-eyed, thumb hovering over the “Disband Group” option.
But when he tapped it, the app only said:
“You cannot disband a group with active participants.”
He scrolled. Every single member was online.
“Oh, for—” he groaned.
A new message appeared.
Wei Wuxian: Guys, what if we made a sub-group just for memes?
Nie Huaisang: YES.
Jin Guangyao: I would prefer one for official sect coordination.
Lan Qiren: [14 paragraphs]
Wei Wuxian: Sticker time.
Nie Huaisang: Sticker time.
Lan Xichen: 🌸
Jiang Cheng buried his face in his hands. This was his life now.
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