Jiang Cheng hadn’t slept.
Not because of night hunts, paperwork, or nightmares—oh no.
Because his phone had been buzzing every seven seconds for the past three hours.
He had tried muting the chat.
He had tried throwing the phone under a pillow.
He had even tried locking it in his desk drawer like some kind of cursed artifact.
None of it mattered.
Every time he thought the chaos had finally died down, another sticker, meme, or 14-paragraph treatise from Lan Qiren would come crashing through the digital silence.
5:42 AM
Nie Huaisang: [image of a sleepy puppy wearing Lan Qiren’s headband]
Wei Wuxian: HAHAHAHAHA morning everyone
Lan Xichen: 🌸 Good morning.
Jin Guangyao: Morning. I hope everyone rested well. 🙂
Wei Wuxian: LOL nope
Jiang Cheng: WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE AWAKE THIS EARLY?!
Nie Huaisang: Because the group never sleeps, JC. The group is eternal.
Wei Wuxian: Our sects may fall… our swords may rust… but this chat… lives on.
Jin Guangyao: Poetic. 🙂
Lan Qiren: [9 paragraphs in Classical Chinese about discipline and the virtues of early rising]
Wei Wuxian: Sticker time.
Nie Huaisang: Sticker time.
Jiang Cheng seriously considered chucking his phone into Lotus Pier’s koi pond. But the last time he did that, Jin Ling had fished it out, given him the look, and handed it back with a muttered, “You’re worse than Uncle Wen Ning at tech stuff.”
Speaking of Jin Ling—
New member added: Jin Ling
Jiang Cheng sat bolt upright in bed.
“Oh no. Oh, no no no—”
Jin Ling: What is this???
Wei Wuxian: Awww it’s A-Ling! Good morning, nephew! 🐰
Nie Huaisang: He’s so tiny compared to all of us omg
Jin Guangyao: Welcome, Young Master Jin. 🙂
Lan Xichen: 🌸
Jin Ling: I don’t understand what’s going on.
Jiang Cheng: YOU’RE LEAVING THIS CHAT RIGHT NOW.
Jin Ling: How??
Jiang Cheng: I— …hold on, let me—
Error: You cannot remove group members unless they remove themselves.
Jiang Cheng: …
Wei Wuxian: LOL he’s trapped too!
Nie Huaisang: Welcome to the family business, kid.
The next twenty minutes were Jin Ling trying to scroll back and make sense of the chat history. The result was predictable.
Jin Ling:
Why are there fifty pictures of Uncle Lan Wangji with cat ears??
Why is Sect Leader Lan sending flowers every five messages??
Why is Sect Leader Nie sending cursed dog memes??
Why is Grandmaster Lan Qiren writing… an essay??
Wei Wuxian: That’s just how it is here. You’ll get used to it.
Jin Ling: I don’t want to get used to it!
Nie Huaisang: Too late.
By 6:30 AM, a new problem had emerged.
Wei Wuxian: Ok but hear me out—we make sub-groups.
Nie Huaisang: Yesss. One for memes.
Wei Wuxian: One for stickers.
Nie Huaisang: One for slander.
Jiang Cheng: Absolutely not.
Jin Guangyao: I support a separate thread for official sect coordination.
Lan Xichen: I could start one for… flower sharing. 🌸
Wei Wuxian: LXC you’re the sweetest but that sounds like the most boring chat on Earth.
Nie Huaisang: Yeah, no offense, but we’re not joining that one.
Lan Qiren: [another 11 paragraphs on the dangers of “fragmenting unity”]
Wei Wuxian: Sticker time.
Nie Huaisang: Sticker time.
Unfortunately, Wei Wuxian didn’t just suggest the sub-groups—he created them.
Within five minutes, Jiang Cheng’s phone pinged with:
New Group Created: “Sect Leader Meme Department”
New Group Created: “Sticker War Central”
New Group Created: “Official Coordination (Jin Guangyao Only)”
New Group Created: “Lan Xichen’s Flower Appreciation Society”
Wei Wuxian: Done ✅
Nie Huaisang: Invites pls.
Wei Wuxian: Already in your inbox.
Lan Xichen: 🌸
Jin Guangyao: Thank you, Brother Wei. I will… ensure my group remains productive. 🙂
Jiang Cheng: I AM NOT JOINING ANY OF THESE.
Wei Wuxian: Too late, I added you to all of them.
At this point, Wen Ning somehow appeared in three of the sub-groups.
Wen Ning: Uh… hi. Wei Wuxian-ge, what is this?
Wei Wuxian: Hey! It’s a family thing.
Nie Huaisang: It’s an art project.
Jin Guangyao: It’s a communications network. 🙂
Jiang Cheng: It’s a curse.
The Meme Department exploded instantly. Within an hour, the chat was clogged with:
Nie Huaisang’s photoshopped “Sect Leader Pokémon cards”
Wei Wuxian’s “Guess Who” board game where all the faces were just Jin Guangyao with different hats
Jin Ling’s extremely petty meme about Jiang Cheng labeled “Angry Purple Grape”
Jiang Cheng: JIN LING.
Jin Ling: …it’s just a joke??
Wei Wuxian: LMAO it’s accurate tho
Meanwhile, Sticker War Central became an arms race.
Wei Wuxian had over 400 sticker packs ready. Nie Huaisang imported foreign sticker sets. Lan Qiren—whether knowingly or not—joined in by pasting screenshots of ancient calligraphy as “stickers,” which only made it funnier.
Nie Huaisang: ok new rule—whenever LQR posts an essay in the main group, we all send sticker bombs here
Wei Wuxian: DEAL.
Lan Xichen: …This seems disrespectful.
Nie Huaisang: 🌸
Lan Xichen: That’s my thing.
The Flower Appreciation Society was exactly what Jiang Cheng feared: just Lan Xichen sending different pictures of flowers from the Cloud Recesses garden, occasionally accompanied by haiku.
Lan Xichen: 🌸 White plum blossoms in frost—
🌸 Soft as morning’s first snowfall.
🌸 May peace reach your hearts.
Wei Wuxian: ok ngl that’s kinda cute
Nie Huaisang: wholesome content break
Jiang Cheng: No.
By late afternoon, Jiang Cheng was done.
His phone battery was at 6% and his patience at negative numbers.
Jiang Cheng: THIS ENDS TODAY.
Wei Wuxian: Bro it hasn’t even been 24 hours
Jiang Cheng: I don’t care, I’m finding a way to delete this thing if it kills me.
Jin Guangyao: Please don’t. I’ve already… invested in its potential. 🙂
Nie Huaisang: This is the best entertainment I’ve had in months.
Lan Xichen: 🌸
Jiang Cheng: STOP SENDING FLOWERS
In desperation, Jiang Cheng messaged the app’s support team.
Customer Support: “We regret to inform you that group owners cannot delete active chats. Perhaps discuss with your group members before making changes.”
Jiang Cheng: Discuss??? With them???
The phone buzzed again.
Wei Wuxian: ok new idea—group video call tonight 😈
Nie Huaisang: YESSSS
Jin Guangyao: I’m available. 🙂
Lan Xichen: 🌸
Jiang Cheng: NO.
At exactly 8:00 PM, Jiang Cheng found himself staring at the cursed sight of all the sect leaders’ faces on his phone screen.
Nie Huaisang was lying in bed surrounded by snacks. Wei Wuxian was clearly at an inn somewhere, Lan Xichen had a vase of flowers behind him, Jin Guangyao looked like he was sitting in a perfectly curated office, and Lan Qiren—of course—was in full robes, sitting at a desk like it was an official meeting.
Wei Wuxian: Everyone here? Great. So—
Jiang Cheng: I’m hanging up.
Nie Huaisang: No you’re not.
Wei Wuxian: Tonight’s agenda: more memes, possibly karaoke.
Jin Guangyao: I can prepare a music setlist. 🙂
Lan Xichen: I could play the guqin. 🌸
Wei Wuxian: Perfect.
The “meeting” descended into absolute chaos within minutes.
Wei Wuxian insisted on screen-sharing his “Lan Wangji Aesthetic Board” folder. Nie Huaisang started rating everyone’s cultivation robes on a scale from “drab” to “fashion icon.” Jin Guangyao kept smiling politely while subtly steering the conversation toward “future collaborative opportunities,” which everyone ignored.
At one point, Lan Qiren tried to give a lecture. Wei Wuxian muted him.
Lan Xichen: Wei Wuxian… please unmute Uncle.
Wei Wuxian: Fine, fine—
Lan Qiren: —and furthermore, the decline of proper decorum among the younger generation—
Wei Wuxian: Muted again.
By the end of the night, Jiang Cheng was lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling, wondering how he’d lost control of his life this badly.
His phone buzzed one last time before he passed out.
Nie Huaisang: Hey JC, just a heads-up… we made a fifth sub-group.
Jiang Cheng: NO.
Wei Wuxian: It’s called “Operation Keep Jiang Cheng In the Chat Forever.” 😈
Lan Xichen: 🌸
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