The conveyor belt moved steadily forward, carrying two plush sharks, a lamp that looked suspiciously like a glowing turnip, and a suspicious amount of tealight candles that Wei Wuxian had managed to sneak past Lan Wangji’s eagle eyes.

Wei Wuxian bounced on his heels, humming cheerfully. “Lan Zhan, this is it. The final trial of IKEA—the checkout. We’ve braved the arrows, we’ve conquered the lamps, we’ve defended against resentful spirits in the bedding section. Now we emerge victorious, sharks in tow.”

Lan Wangji stood tall beside him, expression as unreadable as ever, though his hand rested lightly on the basket to keep Wei Wuxian from adding more nonsense at the last second.

“Do not add anything else,” he said quietly.

Wei Wuxian gasped, eyes wide with false innocence. “Lan Zhan! How could you suspect me of such treachery? I would never—” He broke off, caught red-handed trying to slip a miniature cactus into the pile.

Lan Wangji removed it without comment.

Wei Wuxian sighed dramatically. “You’re heartless. Imagine how happy that cactus would have been in our IKEA household. Alone, forgotten, unloved…”

The cashier, a tired-looking young man with piercings, raised an eyebrow as he scanned the sharks. “Looks like you two had… quite the shopping trip.”

Wei Wuxian grinned, leaning conspiratorially across the counter. “Oh, you have no idea. We built an empire in your living room displays. An empire of love, lamps, and plush sharks.”

The cashier smirked faintly. “Yeah, we heard about you. You’re trending on TikTok.”

Wei Wuxian’s jaw dropped. “Lan Zhan! We’re famous! IKEA immortality!”

Lan Wangji slid the card across the counter without reacting.

They emerged into the night air with two bulging IKEA bags, one stuffed entirely with sharks. The automatic doors whooshed shut behind them, cutting off the fluorescent battlefield they had left behind.

Wei Wuxian stretched his arms wide, inhaling deeply. “Ahh, freedom! We survived, Lan Zhan! Victors of the IKEA tribulation! Truly, we’ve ascended.”

He turned to Lan Wangji with a grin. “You know what this means, right?”

Lan Wangji glanced at him, silent.

“It means,” Wei Wuxian declared, holding up one shark like a sword, “we must christen our new household. IKEA style. A-Yuan the Shark demands it.”

Lan Wangji walked toward the car. Wei Wuxian trotted after him.

Loading the car was another ordeal.

“Lan Zhan, careful with the lamp! She’s delicate, she bruises easily.”

“It is an object,” Lan Wangji replied, placing it gently in the trunk.

Wei Wuxian gasped. “Lan Zhan, don’t talk about her like that! She has feelings!”

Lan Wangji shut the trunk with calm finality.

Wei Wuxian slid into the passenger seat, hugging both sharks tightly. “Alright, family, buckle up. Papa Lan is driving us home.”

Lan Wangji fastened his seatbelt in silence.

The drive was quiet except for Wei Wuxian’s running commentary.

“Lan Zhan, I’m naming this shark Lan Yuan. No relation to our A-Yuan, but spiritual connection, you know? And this one—Lan Sharkji. Strong, stoic, handsome. Just like you.”

Lan Wangji’s hands tightened faintly on the wheel.

Wei Wuxian grinned. “Don’t worry, Lan Zhan. I won’t make you babysit them. Much.”

Back at their apartment, chaos resumed almost instantly.

Wei Wuxian dumped the bags onto the floor and immediately began “assembling” their new household. The lamp was plugged in first, casting a soft glow across the room. The sharks were arranged carefully on the couch, one with a blanket tucked around it.

“There!” Wei Wuxian announced proudly. “Our new family shrine. IKEA Sect headquarters, officially established.”

Lan Wangji hung his coat neatly, watching silently as Wei Wuxian darted around the room.

“Lan Zhan, this is perfect. Our empire lives again! And best of all, no employees to dismantle it this time.”

He plopped onto the couch, dragging Lan Wangji down beside him. “Admit it. You had fun today.”

Lan Wangji looked at him, calm and steady. “…No.”

“Yes,” Wei Wuxian said, poking his cheek. “I saw you swing that pillow like a sword. That was not the face of a man suffering. That was the face of a warrior embracing destiny.”

Lan Wangji didn’t respond, but Wei Wuxian caught the faintest twitch of his lips.

He gasped dramatically. “Lan Zhan smiled! IKEA broke you!”

Lan Wangji’s expression immediately smoothed into neutrality again.

Wei Wuxian leaned closer, voice dropping mischievously. “Too late, I saw it. Our IKEA adventures have thawed your icy exterior. Next time, I’ll get you to play shark puppets.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

The days that followed were no less ridiculous.

Wei Wuxian took to staging elaborate “family dinners” with the sharks, setting out plates and pretending to serve meatballs while narrating in dramatic voices.

“A-Yuan, eat your broccoli. No, don’t look at your father, he won’t save you. This is for your health!”

Lan Wangji, sitting quietly with his tea, would glance over and murmur, “Ridiculous.”

But he never stopped Wei Wuxian.

At night, Wei Wuxian insisted on turning on the lamp, declaring it their “moon of eternal ambience.” He’d curl up beside Lan Wangji with a shark wedged between them, sighing happily.

“Lan Zhan, admit it. IKEA changed our lives.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

The true chaos erupted when their friends found out.

Jiang Cheng was the first to see the viral video. He stormed into their apartment one evening, phone in hand, shouting, “What the hell is this?!”

Wei Wuxian peeked over the back of the couch, shark balanced on his head. “Oh, hey, Jiang Cheng! Welcome to IKEA Sect headquarters. Take off your shoes.”

Jiang Cheng nearly exploded. “You—! You made a circus out of a furniture store! You’re trending online as ‘Shark Dad and Stoic Husband’!”

Wei Wuxian burst into laughter. “Lan Zhan, did you hear that? We’re celebrities! Shark Dad and Stoic Husband! Perfect titles!”

Lan Wangji set his teacup down. “…Unacceptable.”

Wei Wuxian grinned. “Unacceptable fame? Too late, Lan Zhan. We belong to the people now.”

Jiang Cheng groaned loudly. “I’m leaving before my brain melts.”

Nie Huaisang was next. He showed up carrying three more plush sharks.

“I saw the videos!” he squealed. “Wei-xiong, this is iconic! Your IKEA Sect needs reinforcements!”

Wei Wuxian’s eyes sparkled. “Nie-xiong, you’re the best! Look, Lan Zhan, the family grows!”

Lan Wangji sat silently in the corner, utterly resigned.

Nie Huaisang placed the sharks reverently on the couch. “I’m honored to support such a noble cause. IKEA forever!”

Wei Wuxian saluted with a shark. “IKEA forever!”

Even Wen Ning heard about it. He shyly brought over a bag of IKEA meatballs from the frozen section.

“G-gege,” he said awkwardly, holding out the bag, “I thought… maybe you’d want these. For your sect.”

Wei Wuxian’s eyes went misty. “Wen Ning, you angel! The IKEA Sect welcomes you with open arms.”

He pulled Wen Ning into a hug, nearly crushing him with shark plushies. “Together, we’ll conquer the world—one lamp at a time.”

Lan Wangji quietly took the meatballs and placed them in the freezer.

Their apartment soon resembled a miniature IKEA showroom. Sharks in every room. Lamps glowing in mismatched corners. Piles of tealight candles forming shrines.

Wei Wuxian beamed every time he looked around. “Lan Zhan, look at this. Our empire thrives. IKEA could never stop us.”

Lan Wangji sat beside him, silent, but his hand rested lightly on Wei Wuxian’s.

Wei Wuxian grinned, softer this time. “Admit it. You like it too.”

Lan Wangji’s gaze softened imperceptibly. “…En.”

Wei Wuxian’s laughter filled the room.

Weeks later, the videos were still circulating. People left plush sharks at their door as offerings. Fans mailed them tealight candles. Someone even sent them an apron that read Kiss the Cook.

Wei Wuxian wore it proudly while making instant noodles. “Lan Zhan, dreams do come true.”

Lan Wangji quietly turned the apron strings to make sure they didn’t trail into the stove flame.

One evening, Wei Wuxian curled up on the couch, sharks piled around him, lamp casting a golden glow. He looked at Lan Wangji, eyes bright.

“You know, Lan Zhan… maybe IKEA was silly, maybe it was chaos. But it felt like a little piece of family. Like home.”

Lan Wangji met his gaze steadily. “…Home is where you are.”

Wei Wuxian blinked, stunned into silence. Then he grinned, wide and genuine, and threw his arms around him.

“Lan Zhan, you’re too good to me.”

The sharks toppled onto them, burying them both in soft chaos.

Wei Wuxian laughed until he cried, and even Lan Wangji’s lips curved, just slightly, in the safety of their ridiculous IKEA empire.

THE END.

🌟💖 Thank you so much for reading my Cultivation IKEA Incident adventure! 🦈✨
Your support means the world 🌍💕 I hope the chaos, laughter 😂, and sharks 🐋 brought you as much joy as it brought me while writing.
Stay awesome, keep smiling 😁💫, and see you on the next adventure! 🚀📚